Wednesday, August 20, 2008

for all the boys in the world.

i was reading my friend stafford's blog, and saw that he did a recap of every girl he ever liked from l-12. i decided i was going to rip him off, so i had to actually sit here and rack my brain for all the idiots who have infiltrated my life. i'm a winner.

k- i hung out with these two kids, chase and marvin. they were both black. they worshipped mc hammer, and i thought they were so cool cus they could dance. i got caught "playing doctor" with them both in a playhouse at my school. the teachers called my parents, i got in trouble. thus began a long, awesome road of chastity and prudeness. i also kissed two black dudes. u mad.

1- i was still kind of cute in 1st grade, but i wore bike shorts and oversized boxy hand-me-down tshirts. no boy was ever gonna wanna hold my hand in those rags. i had a crush on a 3rd grader named brandon coverdale who talked to me one time and i saw stars. he had a brother named corey who was in 5th. he too, was a babe. i guess it's safe to say i knew at an early age what i wanted.

2- i don't remember 2nd grade. at all.

3- i almost got expelled my 3rd grade year. not only was i the most annoying kid, but i was fucking awkward. i was boycrazy at 8, but i was so terrified of boys. i'm pretty sure i had a crush on most of my 3rd grade class except for andrew yazno. he was gross and super russian. i did also have a crush on a 5th grader named ben kogel. he ran for school president. i voted. if i could compare him to anyone (at that time), it would most definitely have been devon sawa. swoonz.

4- my best friend rachel and i hung out with this kid named tyler compato. he was in the 6th grade and smoked cigarettes so that automatically made him cool and badass and foreign to me because the thought of a 12 year old with braces smoking cigarettes was preposterous. i think he might have asked me to see my boobs at one point, but i was a AA so i said no. plus i was afraid of boys. he ended up being rachel's boyfriend.

5- i went to a catholic school. why? i have no idea, i'm jewish. tom patternoster was my main squeeze this year. laugh at me all you want, i know this dude is a total fucking homo now. that's fine, because i'm pretty sure he threw a handball at me.

6- still in my catholic school, but this year i got rebellious. i told everyone to fuck off. still the most obnoxious 11 year old you ever met (ok, i'm young. my birthday is in august) this year, i had a crush on ben cox (which i'm 99% sure someone on my friends list whos reading this probably knows him...) and leo rodriguez. this is where my pattern of blonde haired blue eyed dudes starts. this is also the begining of my latin fever. leo was really nice to me, but ben was not. ben knew he was hot shit. he also liked smashing pumpkins alot, so i liked them too.

7- oh boy. love of my life, eddie simmett. this was the first year of my life that i ever even hugged a boy. eddie is my angel. he made me a tape of dead kennedy's "give me convenience..." and thus changed my world. we hung out every day and skateboarded and listened to blink 182 together. we got held up at gunpoint on halloween for pumpkin bowling, and then he moved away. i saw him a few years ago at a locust show, but he's not the same. eddie, come back to me.....

8- hahaha this year is so fucking laughable. this is the year that i got "popular", and all the boys loved me. they did a survey on who had the best assets, and i won it by a point. brandon rodriguez was my boyfriend. we never kissed. we just held hands and he walked me home from school. it lasted 2 weeks and then he moved onto my best friend nicole tavdi.

9- i wish i could erase this entire year. 2001 sucked. i had my first REAL boyfriend. nate siggard. he was in a pop punk band called private selection. he was mormon and had very very deep seeded issues. he was a fucking pussy and would cry about everything and he loved to put me down. we dated for 4 months and he was my first kiss (which happened on october 11th, 2001 while american woman by lenny kravitz was on mtv). all he wanted to do was eat my vajay. i guess i was ok with that though. he made me break edge by smoking weed and he liked incubus alot. literally he said "you're too uptight. your edge, or me." of course, him. and he dumped me that night. LOL.

10- i got really into pills and shitty coked out dudes when i was 15 for some reason. me and cortney twomey hung out with dudes named fish and ilya. i was a fucking mess, and totally crazy about some dude named josh puklavitz who was the singer of a band called the christpunchers. he was 17 and had a 32 year old girlfriend. i made sure to let him know everytime i talked to him that his girlfriend was old enough to be his mom. he didn't like that very much. later on, i got a crush on a dude named jimmy who was in the same band as josh. jimmy was just fucking awkward all around and once he found out i had a crush on him, he didn't look me in the eyes.

11- shane from north carolina. some might know him, some might not. broke veganism on a snickers bar he bought at 7-11 in tarzana. wild times. next!

12- i lost my virginity to matt good. he was my boyfriend, and he is not in a very good band. we dated for 7 months and i got free trips to georgia and florida. while he was on warped tour, he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. i was more devistated because i love his mom and sister. he is a rockstar prick. fuck him.

and there you have it.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The night that the Persian Mafia almost killed me.

When I was 17, I took Cosmetolgy courses as part of my high school's ROP program. It was free, it was after school, and it sucked. There was a girl in my class who I went to remedial high school with (before I got kicked out) named Ciji, and while we were not friends in school, we were definitely attached at the hip in Cosmo because we didn't know (or want to know) anyone else. She lived down the street from me too, so we carpooled often. It didn't matter though because gas was like, $1.75 then and we lived like 10 miles from the school.
Ciji looked like Mariah Carey and loved Persian dudes. Persian dudes suck. Anyway, she had a boyfriend who was a real scumbag and would always give her problems. She'd always talk about some Persian Mafia type shit and in typical Martine fashion I always told her to ditch the zero and shut up about it. I think she even mentioned a time when he was physically abusive to her. That's a big no no.
One night, Ciji is driving us home from school and we notice a car is following us. Not in the "oh, weird that car is going in the same direction as us" sense, it was in the "holy fucking shit, that car is following us." So she starts going down all these weird inconvenient side streets and sure enough the car does too. At this point I'm freaking out and asking her if she knows whats going on and again she spouts some shit about the Persian Mafia and her boyfriend and yadda yadda and I'm like "CIJI DON'T GO HOME, DON'T BE DUMB JUST GO TO THE POLICE STATION." And in typical dumb slut fashion, she says "no, I can't. They'll just drive off and wait til the cops are gone to fuck with me." I'm shitting bricks, and she turns up the street to my house and we hit a stop sign. The car cuts us off, stops in front of us, almost hitting her, and two Persian dudes with baseball bats get out and run at the car. She books it back to the 101 with these assholes in tow and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs about to cry thinking "oh my god I'm going to die because of this fucking goon." She calls her boyfriend and he's at some park in Tarzana laughing at her, so we end up there and a couple exits before that, we lose these fucking baseball bat wastes of life. Once at the park, Ciji's boyfriend YELLS AT HER because of what happened, even though it was somehow his fault (I don't exactly remember why..don't drink ever.) and instead of going home in a timely manner, I had to sit in the park with this cunt and her boyfriend for 2 hours until she brought me home. In this two hours, the boyfriend just berated, talked down, and shoved Ciji. I guess she deserved it for being such an idiot loser and almost getting us both killed by having a furball for a boyfriend. I held my tongue ever so gracefully.
Shortly after this incident, Ciji dropped out of class and we stopped being friends. That's fine, because I could never be friends with someone who would put my life in danger. Thats just selfish business. Since that day, whenever I drive to my mom's house at night, I'm terrified someone is following me.