Wednesday, June 11, 2008

an open letter

Dear Jarred,

First of all, disappear. Second of all, fuck you. You've got some balls. Remember when you made fun of me every single day of the one year I went to school with you? You said the music I listened to was crap. You said I looked like a loser and I dress stupid. You never had anything nice to say. You're a dumb surfer bro jock and I want you to disappear. Please, never walk into my store again and try to talk to me about music. Your face when I called you out on making fun of me for liking Poison The Well was fucking hilarious. You were speechless. You had nothing to say except "oh sorry". I even did it in a nice way! Do not ever come into my store and ask me to borrow anything. Do not ever try to talk to me about hardcore. Do not ever try to talk to anyone about anything relating to the past, present or future state of hardcore, 90s metalcore, current metalcore..anything. Do not talk to anyone about "The 'Chord" and how much you like them because you're a fucking tool for calling them "The 'Chord." and they suck anyway. Don't bother talking to me about Bury Your Dead's new album, don't bother talking to me about how you've seen Poison The Well 11 times. Don't fucking talk to me at all. You are what everyone who plays in the bands you listen to hates. You are a dumb ignorant bro rich kid. Never talk to me ever again.


Dear Encino Man,

You are a disgrace. You are everything that anyone could ever hate in a person. First of all, you look like the Geico Caveman so stop thinking you're a hotty boombalottie. Its a wonder you even get laid, your personality is that of a dead snail. You're a rich kid with a big mouth and a little back bone. You made fun of me in high school too but it's really funny now to see you at h2o shows and talking about how you love Verse. Guess what, you're a bandwagon jumper and I want you to disappear too. I can't wait for the next wave of cool to ride through so you can hop on your trendboard and surf that wave. It's really great that you talk shit on message boards about hardworking local bands but you'll never show your face at a local show you big fucking vagine. Remember when you got your brand new BMW and you drove it to the Calabasas Teen Center and you came out and your Drive-Thru Mobile had gum under the door handles? Yeah, I'm responsible for that. Keep looking like a coward, I hear that's cool this year.

Dear All Girls Looking To Be My Friend So They Can Fuck My Dudefriends,

Keep it up. It keeps my dudes happy. Just don't expect me to be a good secret keeper, or to hang out with me that much cause I already know what you're all about. I definitely don't wanna hear you vent or complain about anyone either. Also, the best advice I can give you is send n00dz.


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